This subject has always been something I never imagined would happen to us. “This is something that happens to other people, I’ll be fine”, I thought in my subconscious. But now it is a part of our story. I am now a statistic, I am now a part of the 1 in 4. I am now in that club that no one ever wants to be in.
The club of women that never got to meet their baby.
Babies lost in the womb were never touched by fear. They were never cold, never hungry, never alone, and most importantly they knew love.
I can only imagine how some women feel completely alone in their grief, because I have had many of those kinds of moments. Even when you have a wonderful husband, and supportive friends and family, you can still feel alone. I don’t want the subject of miscarriage to be taboo anymore. We need to talk about it, women need to know that they are not alone.
You go through a rollercoaster of emotions. Is it my fault? Could I have done something differently? Why couldn’t my body keep my baby safe? I felt that my body was supposed to be a safe haven for this baby, and I had a moment (or a lot of moments) where I didn’t understand why it wasn’t. My body couldn’t hold on to my baby, and I couldn’t help but question if it was my fault.
My flesh really struggled with my spirit on this one, but in the end, I know that it was nothing I did. These things just happen sometimes, for reasons that we will never understand. It was not my fault, and for every other woman out there that has gone through this. It is not your fault either.
“But the Lord stood at my side and gave me strength, so that through me the message might be fully proclaimed…” – 2 Timothy 4:17
This experience has changed me for the better, it has given me new eyes to see things in a way that I have never seen before. I am making the choice post loss to be happier than ever before, because when I leave this earth one day, I want to be remembered as someone who was joyful, no matter the circumstance. I want to have made a difference in other’s lives, and have left a positive legacy, and this is something I can make happen for this child.
I don’t get to raise this baby, I don’t get to celebrate Christmas with this baby, I can’t watch this baby’s first steps or hear their first word, but I can make their legacy one of joy, rather than sadness. No feeling lasts forever, but the lessons we learn while we’re experiencing those feelings very well may.
Through this experience, I learned that allowing yourself to feel the pain can be a good thing. It’s human to hurt, and we need to let ourselves go through it. When we fight it, it pummels us like a rogue wave. But when we don’t fight it, it passes right over us and we are able to keep swimming. And by letting myself FEEL the emotions, God has been doing some big work on my heart. He has stretched me and changed me in ways I never thought possible. He SEES me in my time of suffering, and He sees you in yours too.
I have been a Christian for quite a few years now, and have been following Jesus for quite some time. But never before have I been forced to put all of my trust in Him than I have over these past few months. It is true when you hear people say that you are never closer to God than when you literally have no hope without Him.
In my weakness, He is strong. And through all of this, the thing that brings me the most comfort is knowing that the first thing my baby saw when her little eyes opened was Jesus.
I feel so strongly about the power of bringing our individual places of darkness into the light. In today’s world of social media, we tend to only show only our highlight reels. But I think we need to start talking about the hills AND the valleys, to normalize things that can sometimes be taboo.
This no longer needs to be taboo, or a silent tragedy that women go through. IT IS OKAY to not be okay. IT IS OKAY to cry. IT IS OKAY to grieve. IT IS OKAY to scratch everything off your to-do list and call it a day. IT IS OKAY to be strong and brave and broken all at once.
I am standing with you.
For those of you who have gone through or are going through a miscarriage, know that I’m grieving with you and surrounding you in love. It is okay to talk about, it is okay to share your feelings, because you are allowed to have those feelings. Don’t ever let anyone tell you how to grieve, or how long to grieve. This is your process, and you will get through it because you are strong. You are strong because you carried that baby (no matter how long), and even though you never got to meet that baby, you are a mother. And THAT makes you strong. He might not change your current circumstance, but He is changing you.
I AM CHANGED FOR THE BETTER. MY STORY MATTERS. YOUR STORY MATTERS.
I will always look back at these pictures of Kenny and I with such bittersweet feelings, because our baby was with us when these photos were taken.